Thoughts continued...

I have been thinking a lot about this family thing lately. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Adoption has been on my mind often. I feel like I keep getting thrown these signs of Chinese adoption. A couple of weeks ago in church our Pastor was talking about his "baby girl", and it brought me to tears. They have recently started the process of adopting a little girl from China. Then, last week I saw 2 beautiful little Chinese girls, they looked like twins, at Toys R Us with their mom. That same night, I watched Hopkins as I usually do on Thursday night. On this episode there was a little girl, adopted from China, having heart surgery. Perhaps this is God giving me my answer. Maybe there is a little China baby out there for us, probably not yet born. Or maybe this is just my mind being more aware of the Chinese children around me, in the same way I always saw pregnant women everywhere when we were struggling to conceive. I hate that I am having these feelings. I feel so guilty for thinking about this all so soon. I feel as if I am being selfish, taking something away from Cooper. But the reality is, it has nothing to do with Cooper, and everything to do with him at the same time. Cooper is enough. I love him more than I could have ever imagined. I never want him to think he wasn't enough. I would want more children regardless if I had him or not. It has NOTHING to do with him! I also want him to have siblings. I love my brother and sister, and would hate it if he never got a chance to have that bond. I don't want him to have to be alone when we grow old. I never want him to have to face life alone. I want him to have a family. It has EVERYTHING to do with him! I have no more answers today than I did yesterday, and the same can be said for tomorrow I'm sure. But that is ok. Our family will be complete.

Thoughts

So, last week I went to see my obgyn about this awful side pain I have been having. I assume it is endometriosis, adhesions, perhaps another kidney stone. Basically, he said there's not allot he can do for me. Here are my options: I can go on continuous bcp, which I'm nervous about doing yet since Cooper still relies on my milk so much. I can go on depo provera, no thanks! I can do depo lupron yet again, but I can't do that while breastfeeding since it throws the body into menopause; that would certainly shut off the milk supply. Or I can just suffer/bare the pain for now. I'm opting to suck it up and deal with the pain, at least for now. Our appointment went really well because I learned allot about what he has to offer me. We discussed my past surgeries, and he told me he would not want to operate on me given my history. My RE dissected my uteroscarels on two occasions, and my gyn said he was not skilled enough to work in that area. While I greatly appreciated he knew his limits, it was frustrating to think I will need to travel to Austin for future laps. Also he brought up the big H, hysterectomy. I am fully aware that this is my future, it's just I haven't thought about it in a while. He asked me when I would be ready, and what I had been told in the past. The only time I've ever been given a time frame, it was after my first lap. The gyn said 10 years, I was 18 at the time. My RE never told me a time, just let me know that it was probably my reality. My obgyn told me he was doing a hyst on a 26 year old the following day! She had 3 kids already and felt it was time, but I have to admit it scared the crap out of me. I will not be ready at 26, I don't know that I'll be ready at 30 even! Now, this is all I've been thinking about. I want to wait a while before having another kiddo; I just don't know how to fit my life (fertile life that is) in before it's to late. Then yesterday I watched Cooper's birth video. Even with all the struggles, I can't imagine not doing it again. I can't imagine never having another baby. I was feeling like I didn't want to do all the infertility stuff again, but now I'm feeling like I will want to do whatever it takes. I am just incredibly overwhelmed, and my mind is filled with all these swirling thoughts. I realize none of this is in my control. Nothing really is, is it? But I can't help but think about it and want to make a plan. I know though that God is in control. So I guess I should breath easy knowing that. Our family will be complete. It is not for me to know how for now.