Thoughts continued...

I have been thinking a lot about this family thing lately. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Adoption has been on my mind often. I feel like I keep getting thrown these signs of Chinese adoption. A couple of weeks ago in church our Pastor was talking about his "baby girl", and it brought me to tears. They have recently started the process of adopting a little girl from China. Then, last week I saw 2 beautiful little Chinese girls, they looked like twins, at Toys R Us with their mom. That same night, I watched Hopkins as I usually do on Thursday night. On this episode there was a little girl, adopted from China, having heart surgery. Perhaps this is God giving me my answer. Maybe there is a little China baby out there for us, probably not yet born. Or maybe this is just my mind being more aware of the Chinese children around me, in the same way I always saw pregnant women everywhere when we were struggling to conceive. I hate that I am having these feelings. I feel so guilty for thinking about this all so soon. I feel as if I am being selfish, taking something away from Cooper. But the reality is, it has nothing to do with Cooper, and everything to do with him at the same time. Cooper is enough. I love him more than I could have ever imagined. I never want him to think he wasn't enough. I would want more children regardless if I had him or not. It has NOTHING to do with him! I also want him to have siblings. I love my brother and sister, and would hate it if he never got a chance to have that bond. I don't want him to have to be alone when we grow old. I never want him to have to face life alone. I want him to have a family. It has EVERYTHING to do with him! I have no more answers today than I did yesterday, and the same can be said for tomorrow I'm sure. But that is ok. Our family will be complete.

Thoughts

So, last week I went to see my obgyn about this awful side pain I have been having. I assume it is endometriosis, adhesions, perhaps another kidney stone. Basically, he said there's not allot he can do for me. Here are my options: I can go on continuous bcp, which I'm nervous about doing yet since Cooper still relies on my milk so much. I can go on depo provera, no thanks! I can do depo lupron yet again, but I can't do that while breastfeeding since it throws the body into menopause; that would certainly shut off the milk supply. Or I can just suffer/bare the pain for now. I'm opting to suck it up and deal with the pain, at least for now. Our appointment went really well because I learned allot about what he has to offer me. We discussed my past surgeries, and he told me he would not want to operate on me given my history. My RE dissected my uteroscarels on two occasions, and my gyn said he was not skilled enough to work in that area. While I greatly appreciated he knew his limits, it was frustrating to think I will need to travel to Austin for future laps. Also he brought up the big H, hysterectomy. I am fully aware that this is my future, it's just I haven't thought about it in a while. He asked me when I would be ready, and what I had been told in the past. The only time I've ever been given a time frame, it was after my first lap. The gyn said 10 years, I was 18 at the time. My RE never told me a time, just let me know that it was probably my reality. My obgyn told me he was doing a hyst on a 26 year old the following day! She had 3 kids already and felt it was time, but I have to admit it scared the crap out of me. I will not be ready at 26, I don't know that I'll be ready at 30 even! Now, this is all I've been thinking about. I want to wait a while before having another kiddo; I just don't know how to fit my life (fertile life that is) in before it's to late. Then yesterday I watched Cooper's birth video. Even with all the struggles, I can't imagine not doing it again. I can't imagine never having another baby. I was feeling like I didn't want to do all the infertility stuff again, but now I'm feeling like I will want to do whatever it takes. I am just incredibly overwhelmed, and my mind is filled with all these swirling thoughts. I realize none of this is in my control. Nothing really is, is it? But I can't help but think about it and want to make a plan. I know though that God is in control. So I guess I should breath easy knowing that. Our family will be complete. It is not for me to know how for now.

Let's give it a try...

Well, I have decided to give blogging a much deserved try. I suppose I should give a little intro before gushing about the dramas of my day to day life. Curtis and I were high school sweethearts, so sweet, I know. We got married on May 21, 2005. Our wedding was beautiful and all I had ever dreamed it would be. We started our lives together in Austin, TX in a tiny little one bedroom apartment. We continued going to school, I at Texas State and he at Austin Community College. In the spring of 2006, Curtis transfered to Texas State to pursue a psychology degree. We moved to San Marcos that April, this time adding a bedroom; we quickly realized how much that extra space was needed. Things were going great; I was enjoying school and substitute teaching and Curtis loved school and endured UPS. We were following our plan to finish school and then start a family someday. Funny how those plans go. We knew I had endometriosis and it was always a problem, but little did we know what it might do to our "plan". I had been seeing an excellent doctor, Dr. Siverberg, for a little over a year and after a third surgery for the endo, he gave it to me straight. This might be my only chance to get pregnant. So much for the "plan". In October 2006, Curtis and I decided to try and have a baby. We had scheduled a consultation with Dr. Silverberg at which we got a new "plan", the "have a baby plan". I was shocked at all it would entail. I figured, "I'm young, how hard could this be?" Oh how I was wrong. He sat us down and introduced us to a list of abbreviations we would endure over the next few months, SA, HSG, FSH, IUI... and the list goes on. He explained that with my history, while I would most likely get pregnant, it wouldn't be the old fashioned way. I would give myself daily injections and when the eggs were nice and ripe they would inseminate me. So Sexy! My sister, Emily, explained it to her husband in this way, "you know, like the do cows". If this was the way it had to be, OK, I was on board, and Curtis held on for dear life. In November 2006, we started our first cycle. I just knew it would work. I got up every morning and went for blood work and then ultrasounds in the afternoon and injections at six. I had my routine and I was embracing it. After all, I was doing it for my baby. We watched the follicles grow; it was an amazing thing, knowing one of them might become my future child. By mid December I had three ripe follicles, three! Of course this would work; there were three eggs and perfect sperm and perfect timing. People get pregnant everyday with out the perfection; it was bound to work with it! Tracey had just found out she was having Andrew; how perfect would this be, cousins only a couple of weeks apart. December 31 came and there was no need for the blood test; it didn't work; I wasn't pregnant. How doomed it all seemed that day. I stared at the lab request and cried; you see they give everyone the paperwork just in case, but I just threw mine away. We went back to the doctor, ready to try again, but those lovely fertility drugs had left my ovaries with cysts, no injections this time. This month would not be doomed. Dr. S let me try clomid, but we wouldn't do the IUI because I only had one follicle and it didn't seem worth it. Yet again it was another failed cycle. I wasn't giving up; we were doing it again. There were no cyst this time so we were pulling out the big guns, back to injections. Things went so slow this time around; I barely had one good follicle, so we got more aggressive and bumped up my dosage. Then one day, boom, there were five mature follicles, that's right 5! So, the cycle was canceled; all the time, money and emotions for nothing. I didn't even have a chance; I actually had to go on the pill. I didn't know how I could do it again; go through that pain. Dr. S thought it was time we considered IVF, but I was not ready to go there. He agreed that we should try one more IUI, so we did. Things went ok, not great, but it was good enough. I had three follicles once again; we accepted the risk of triplets and went forward. On April 4, 2007 we had our first of two IUIs. As I lay on the table, Curtis holds my hand and I pray that God would open my womb. Eleven days later I find out my prayers were answered. There were two lines, on two different tests, and the digital one clearly read "PREGNANT". I can honestly say I got pregnant holding hands! On that day we started a new plan, the "we're going to be parents" plan. We quickly learned that we were just having one and soon after learned it was a boy. We moved back home to Vernon that June and started life as a family. After a difficult pregnancy, Cooper Jack Schiwart arrived on December 19,2007 weighing 7lbs10oz. His life has brought about many challenges as well. He struggles to gain weight and has laryngomalacia and GERD. This is the journey we're on now; feel free to jump on and enjoy the ride.