I have been thinking a lot about this family thing lately. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Adoption has been on my mind often. I feel like I keep getting thrown these signs of Chinese adoption. A couple of weeks ago in church our Pastor was talking about his "baby girl", and it brought me to tears. They have recently started the process of adopting a little girl from China. Then, last week I saw 2 beautiful little Chinese girls, they looked like twins, at Toys R Us with their mom. That same night, I watched Hopkins as I usually do on Thursday night. On this episode there was a little girl, adopted from China, having heart surgery. Perhaps this is God giving me my answer. Maybe there is a little China baby out there for us, probably not yet born. Or maybe this is just my mind being more aware of the Chinese children around me, in the same way I always saw pregnant women everywhere when we were struggling to conceive. I hate that I am having these feelings. I feel so guilty for thinking about this all so soon. I feel as if I am being selfish, taking something away from Cooper. But the reality is, it has nothing to do with Cooper, and everything to do with him at the same time. Cooper is enough. I love him more than I could have ever imagined. I never want him to think he wasn't enough. I would want more children regardless if I had him or not. It has NOTHING to do with him! I also want him to have siblings. I love my brother and sister, and would hate it if he never got a chance to have that bond. I don't want him to have to be alone when we grow old. I never want him to have to face life alone. I want him to have a family. It has EVERYTHING to do with him! I have no more answers today than I did yesterday, and the same can be said for tomorrow I'm sure. But that is ok. Our family will be complete.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
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4 comments:
Oh, my friend...It must be so hard having to weigh all this, especially now while Cooper is so young. You are such a wonderful mommy, and your family has so much love! Don't feel for a moment that thinking of expanding your family is taking away from Cooper in the least. There are so many opportunities for us a parents to feel guilty, but there are positives and negatives to every situation. It sounds like you feel in your heart that your family isn't finished yet...but are worried that thinking of adding to it right now will be hard on Cooper. Cooper will make an excellent big brother, and he will be blessed by having siblings. Even if you were to bring home a new baby right now, you would not be taking away from him. Like you said, he will have a brother or sister that will be there for him for the rest of his life! And although we mommies tend to feel like everything we do on a daily basis will make or break our kids' future, God has it in His hands. You're not doing it alone! A little of mom's attention split with another child, even if the older child is still just a toddler...won't take away from him in the long run. Love isn't a limited commodity, it grows to fit any size family. Whether you adopt or go through the fertility roller coaster again, Cooper will thrive and you will be the same excellent mother you are to him...and to whatever other children God blesses you with. Never doubt that! I know this is way too long...I just understand your feelings (I went through that with each addition to our family) and want to tell you that from this side of things, I know now that I shouldn't have worried then. I thought for sure when we had our 3ed child I wouldn't be able to give enough to all 3, but God's grace has proven more than sufficient and I am amazed by it daily. Not long ago, Rachel was at grammy's house for the night...you should have seen the way the other 2 moped around. They were so lonely and complained so much about the fact that it was just too quiet around here! (((hugs))) to you, I know that God will guide you and you will listen to Him...and your family will be blessed because of it!
sweet girl, i totally feel ya. it is so hard to go through the "before #2" thoughts. and then, its hard when #2 comes, because all those feelings come creeping in (some due to hormones),, like you're taking away from #1. but you're not. you are adding so richly to their lives with a sibling. but its so hard to think through! i think in your heart you want more, i know you do. and cooper would be in hog heaven to have a sibling. also, i was watching a documentary (kenny and i are documentary dorks) and it was on the chinese, and their one child rule, and these parents who SELL their babies because they can't afford the tax they have to pay to have them! we were both crying and had to turn the channel. they focused on a 3 month old baby chinese girl who was just beautiful. and her parents were selling her. we couldn't stand it. anyway, for what its worth... i'm prayin for ya. and don't worry, your feelings are TOTALLY normal. :) it just means you're a good mommy.
I worried about the same things. You're not alone and I agree with everyone else in that is doesn't take away from Cooper or your love for him to have a desire for more children. Not in any way!!
I will be praying that you will be able to expand your family! I know you will be a wonderful mother to Cooper and any new child that comes into your life.
Molly Beth, email me I want to talk with you about china, or I can talk to Em and she can relay the info...either way.
Melissa
PS I would love to see some more pictures of that little guy of yours....I think it's high time you posted some more. I love the pictures of the food and all...but they are not nearly as cute as Cooper :)
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