Very late update

First off, so sorry that I haven't updated since my last very distraught rant. Things have been very busy, which is a good thing. Our appointment last Thursday went very well. Cooper had his typical strip down weigh in, and that was not good. This did not come as a surprise considering he had been having diarrhea for two weeks straight. He weighed the same as he did at his October appointment, well actually a tenth of a pound less. He only weighed 18.2, which dropped him off the chart again. That was upsetting, but I know it is from the diarrhea, and he will put it back on quickly. The GI explained that my breastmilk is no longer sufficient for his sole source of nutrition. Since he is still only eating a few foods, and cows milk is out of the question, he put Cooper on Elecare vanilla for 1 and up. He wants it diluted to 30 calories per once versus 20 cals/oz of breastmilk or infant formula. He said I could continue breastfeeding for comfort, ect as long as the diarrhea cleared up. He feels it is likely that Cooper developed a allergy to corn. It was the only food I was eating that is high on the allergy list. The dr put him on probiotics as well in hopes of straighting his digestive system out. They also ran an allergy profile. We haven't gotten the results back yet, but we know that they are not very reliable anyhow. But, it is a starting place. If we get negatives, he could still be allergic, but it is not as scary to try those things. If we get positives, he might not be allergic, but we will steer clear for know anyway. Cooper has been taking the Elecare for a full week now. He really likes it. He is the happiest he has ever been. His stools are back to normal. This is bittersweet. I am so glad he's doing well, but I hate that even with all the hard work, my milk was still causing some issues. I am off corn again, because he is still nursing some. Things seem ok. He is nursing very little, only a couple or few times a day for 5 minutes or so. That is an issue for another post. I'm still struggling with weaning. He had his birthday party on Saturday, and it was a total success. Pictures coming soon. Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers during our tough times. It means so much.

What to say...

Cooper is sick. He has been sick since he had his scope. He has had diarrhea for 2 weeks straight. He doesn't act sick, just in pain from time to time. He wants no one but his mommy. He is very clingy to me. He has not had solids since last Friday, and he is hungry. We have just been giving him pedialyte and limited breasmilk. The pedi ran a stool culture and we go the results back this week; no virus and no infection. They don't know what is wrong with him. He had blood in his stool this morning. The pedi and the GI spoke and said I should stop breastmilk completely and give Elecare only for the next 3 days. If he improves, he may have developed a new allergy, and our breastfeeding days are over. If not, and I keep mu supply up, then he can start again in a few days. We are seeing the GI tomorrow.

I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I never thought I could/would feel these emotions over breastfeeding. I am not ready to quit. I have worked so hard at this! I enjoy and he enjoys it. I don't want to take it away from him, not yet. It is all he wants. His screams fill the background as he is begging me to nurse. He pushes the bottle away and roots like a newborn baby. He wants me to comfort him, why am I not listening to his cues. If only he could understand. Who am I kidding, I don't understand, even though I do. I want to give him what he is begging for. I want to meet his needs the best way I know how. I am scared. What kind of mother will I be know. For the past 11 and a half months, I have nursed him when he was sick, cried, or just needed mommy. I don't know how to be a mommy without it. It is all I've known; it is all we have known! I am ticked off too. This isn't fair. I have done my best, worked so hard. I don't feel like a failure; I'm not! I'm just mad because someone is taking away this most natural part of motherhood from me, and it's not theirs to take. He may be my one and only, I'm not ready to be finished!