Cooper is sick. He has been sick since he had his scope. He has had diarrhea for 2 weeks straight. He doesn't act sick, just in pain from time to time. He wants no one but his mommy. He is very clingy to me. He has not had solids since last Friday, and he is hungry. We have just been giving him pedialyte and limited breasmilk. The pedi ran a stool culture and we go the results back this week; no virus and no infection. They don't know what is wrong with him. He had blood in his stool this morning. The pedi and the GI spoke and said I should stop breastmilk completely and give Elecare only for the next 3 days. If he improves, he may have developed a new allergy, and our breastfeeding days are over. If not, and I keep mu supply up, then he can start again in a few days. We are seeing the GI tomorrow.
I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I never thought I could/would feel these emotions over breastfeeding. I am not ready to quit. I have worked so hard at this! I enjoy and he enjoys it. I don't want to take it away from him, not yet. It is all he wants. His screams fill the background as he is begging me to nurse. He pushes the bottle away and roots like a newborn baby. He wants me to comfort him, why am I not listening to his cues. If only he could understand. Who am I kidding, I don't understand, even though I do. I want to give him what he is begging for. I want to meet his needs the best way I know how. I am scared. What kind of mother will I be know. For the past 11 and a half months, I have nursed him when he was sick, cried, or just needed mommy. I don't know how to be a mommy without it. It is all I've known; it is all we have known! I am ticked off too. This isn't fair. I have done my best, worked so hard. I don't feel like a failure; I'm not! I'm just mad because someone is taking away this most natural part of motherhood from me, and it's not theirs to take. He may be my one and only, I'm not ready to be finished!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
What to say...
Posted by Molly Beth at 1:35 PM
Labels: breastfeeding, diarrhea, EGD
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2 comments:
(((hugs))) and prayers....you will get through this. Hopefully, it's just a bump in the road and you'll be back to nursing in a day or two, but even if it doesn't work that way you will find ways to comfort him that you never knew you knew. God is good, He's there with you, He will guide you and help you through. It's heartbreaking, but your love for Cooper is so much more then that one part of your relationship and he knows it in his little heart...Oh, I'm so sorry it's so hard! I love you and your little Cooper and will be praying for you both. You are an amazing mommy, please don't ever doubt that! No bump in the road will take that away or diminish the relationship you have with your precious son, in fact the bumps will only make you closer when you can look back at them and know you got through them together!
oh molly beth, i just checked your blog for the first time in a couple weeks. (i went into amy land for awhile). i'm so sorry. i TOTALLY get it though. i fought our docs for six months, telling me to STOP breastfeeding and i wouldn't do it. i finally did when he was over 10 months, and within a week, he stopped spitting up. i couldn't believe it. i was barely eating anything, but something was causing it. maybe it was breastmilk protein in general, i don't know. but i was REALLY depressed about it, and had to wait for the hormones to leave my body before i was ok again. i had to do a 3 day weaning which made it so much worse, but grayson actually did way better than i thought he would. but its hard. i won't tell you its not. i will just pray for you. REJOICING about no EE! Praise GOD! and, one of those antibiotics gave grayson the SAME raised red rash, i think it was the Z one, but i can't remember. we had to get off of it quick, he totally reacted. anyways, love you, hope to talk to you soon. amy
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