Tonight we went over to Tracey's house for scrapbooking, well at least that was the plan. For the first time, I felt like Cooper was typical, an ordinary baby. He played on the floor with Andrew. He laughed and even squealed at times. He fussed when he wanted to nurse. It was wonderful. I wasn't fighting an arching, screaming baby; I was enjoying myself, and he was having a good time too. I sat there in awe of him. Who is this child? Is this the boy he always was? Have reflux and food allergies been masking this precious personality? I was amazed that I too have a healthy, happy baby now! Now I sit here mourning the time I lost. The time that reflux stole! This disease should not take his joy, his light, his soul. It makes me so angry at myself for not doing the diet sooner. I know I could have never known, but I can't help but blame myself. It is unfair that I will never have those first four months with him again. Those months were nightmares I wouldn't want to relive, but if I could go back and change things I would. I think part of me is realizing he's getting bigger and he's becoming less and less of a baby. I also think that I have a huge fear that he will be my one and only. I am so grateful for every moment I have with this child, but I can't help but wonder what could have been. I feel so blessed he is thriving now and doing all he should, but there are times when I feel like we missed so much. We spent so many hours in doctors' offices and waiting rooms. I have only one video of him since he was born because who wants to watch a screaming baby. I know that one day I will look back and see all he had to overcome, but for now I look back and see time that was lost. I never wanted this for my baby. People really don't understand what GERD means. They think, "oh, he spits up," but that is not it. He suffered every day and still does at times. Please pray for all the little ones out there who struggle with this disease. May they soon be blessed with health.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
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2 comments:
OH Sweetie, yes there may have ben lots of lost times, but you will build swonderful memories in the future. I promise. Our nurse once told me, Mom, only YOU will remember these hard times, your son never will. I got alot of comfort from that.
In the mean time, you are fully allowed to "mourn" the fact that you lost those times, I still do for Jedd. :(
I pray that the diet change continues to go great and you keep seeign improvments.
Jessica
You are so sweet! I pray for all of these kids all the time too. :)
I totally undersand what you mean about mourning that time....or the idea of what that time would have been without reflux or food allergies.
I still feel that way...
I hate that people still, with this much effort at education, don't "get it". One of ours almost starved to death and the other had apnea and aspirations. Definitly more than "just spit up".
I am glad that Cooper is doing better. I will keep praying that he will continue to do well, grow and thrive.
It is hard when your first starts to grow up. I am learning though that there are wonderful and fun things at each stage so it takes the sting out (at least a little) about not having my "babies" anymore, kwim?
Love ya!!! See ya at PAGER!
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